Massage hilarity - Part 2!

 "I wasn't amused!"

If you're reading this on 26th December, then Happy Boxing Day!

If you've read last week's blog, you will know that my Mum did NOT enjoy her first massage whilst on holiday last month.

Here is the second tale of the second massage, again told in her own words...

So...at least I knew this time, I would be on the table for fifty minutes. Unfortunately, it was a different masseur. I removed the clothes as requested and she massaged my legs back and front and then my arms were not involved. I didn't want my back done and THEN...she started running her hands around the back of my head and was telling me how nice my hair smelt (due to just having a shower) and put oil all round the back of my neck and massaged it into my hair! Then she was going round and round and I was thinking I will need another shower. 

I was also getting annoyed as - having asked my name - she kept repeating over and over.

Plus, getting off from the table was just as dodgy.

Next year, if the salesman comes around, I shall be pretending to be asleep!

The next holiday tale...

 Not relaxing...

For today's tale, my Mum has told me what to type. I just wouldn't do this one justice on my own ALTHOUGH...I have had to remove all the swear words! I did laugh typing it up though!

It started when I was relaxing on the beach, in the sun and a salesman for the massage department in our hotel approached me.

I said: "No thank you!" 

He said: "Let me show you..." and then started to massage my arm.

I agreed to a massage to get him to go away and he did a deal for two so that it was less euros in total.

Later, my husband said it could be my birthday gift as he didn't know what to get me (he never does)!

We thought it was only going to be for fifteen minutes.

When I went for the massage here is what happened.

1. I had misheard fifty minutes as fifteen!

2. I was told to take my bra and my dress off which I thought was a bit strange as I thought it was just an arm massage.

3. Then I laid - face down - on the table, putting my face through (what I thought) was a stupid hole.

4. I could hear stupid music (it wasn't relaxing even if it was meant to be) and didn't like the smell of the surrounding candles.

5. Then she massaged my legs.

6. THEN...she stuck my knickers (Bridget Jones minus a bit of material) up my crack! And repeated the same for the other cheek.

7. She wanted to massage my back but I said I'd had enough as I was thinking my husband would be confused about the time.

8. When I got off the table (despite her telling me to careful) I nearly slipped due to the height of the table, the lack of height of me and the oil on my feet. I was lucky not to break my leg!

Check back next week to see what happened on the second massage!

Another holiday hilarity...

Oh!

It would be fair to say that, at home, my Dad has always lived a pampered life...first due to my Nan looking after him. Then, my Mum.

Therefore, he's not the most practical (which makes me think of two other stories to share here another day) and this often causes hilarity!

Anyway, on holiday recently my Mum was keeping up with what they had worn/washing (or rinsing it) as she doesn't like to return with a whole case of washing.

Dad asked where to put his pants (knowing what she was doing) worn ones and where the clean ones were... Yes, you guessed it! He got them round the wrong way!

She was laughing telling me on the phone and said that he really can't do anything - including following instructions.

However - next week's post is about them BOTH initially getting in a muddle and then it's a Mum tale.

Sunday Snippet - Madame by R.E Loten

Madame

I would have handed them over. I was ready to. All he had to do was ask himself. He could have had his letters back years ago if he’d just written to me one final time. Instead, he sent a lackey, a bully-boy and I’ve never allowed myself to be bullied. Just ask my late husband.

I think tomorrow will be the end. Once, I thought the end of the trial would also be the end of me, but my solicitor is clever. He knows people. They know people. It was a risk, but I think it will pay off. I certainly kept my part of the bargain, now it’s a waiting game to see if they keep their word. His word. You’ll forgive my scepticism, but I’ve had his word before and it doesn’t mean much. I love you. I’ll never leave you. And now he’s with her. Five years he's been at her side. Her, with her double-barrelled name. I got mere months. But what months they were! Thrown together in the midst of war, he took me from my own personal hell and catapulted me into a new life. Women who, had they met me in the street, would have crossed the road to avoid the putain, forced to smile and call me Madame, while their husbands, who had feasted from my body, could barely meet my eyes. Did they ask their wives to humiliate them, to beat them until they found fulfilment, or was that reserved solely for me? I knew better than to ask. Knew better than to tell. 

You can read other stories from R.E Loten in:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0CN9MV328/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2BX6PFAOS82IZ&keywords=words+from+wonderland&qid=1699981164&sprefix=words+from+wonderland%2Caps%2C77&sr=8-1

You can also find her at: Muse, News & Reviews | Mysite (reloten.com)

Book review - Santa's Early Christmas by Lily Lawson

I laughed out loud! 

From my time teaching primary aged pupils, I am a huge fan of stories that rhyme as I think they flow so well. I can often be found making up my own such stories, or phrasing instructions in a fun, rhyming fashion... Therefore, the moment I started reading Santa's Early Christmas I had a smile on my face :)

The story is a witty take on events that might occur at the North Pole before Christmas Eve and it made me laugh out loud in many places.

From trousers that don't do up, to a sleepy Santa there's a humour to each page that adults and children will both appreciate.

One of my favourite pages is the following:

as I think it's genius about sky traffic having alcohol/speeding rules like we do on roads!

The short and concise rhymes on each page make the story whip along quickly and it's perfect for those with shorter attention spans, or those just looking for a quick read.

I love the way the text is presented within the illustrations, with the holly framing each part. Plus, the illustrations (by Gustyawan) are so apt for the story. If you look carefully, things are slightly wonky and that - to me - adds to the notion of the fun Santa's having and him being a bit off kilter.

The ending of the actual story is appropriate and will especially make children smile. Then, just when you think you are finished, there's a bonus (and rather funny) poem followed by another rhyme with part message to the reader - a lovely touch.

Lily Lawson has delivered a special gift in this book, just like Santa does himself...

It's very worth purchasing as it's something that you could read year upon year. It's available on Amazon in Kindle format or paperback:

Santa's Early Christmas eBook : Lawson, Lily, Gustyawan: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store

Santa's Early Christmas : Lawson, Lily, Gustyawan: Amazon.co.uk: Books

Part 1 - My parents on holiday!

 Whoops!

Last month, my parents went on holiday to Cyprus. My Dad changed his alarm clock to two hours ahead and set the alarm for the time that they wanted to be up in the morning.

At 6am, UK time, I got up and text them 'Good morning' thinking that (as 8am there) they would be up, probably have had or going to have breakfast... Instead, there was a slight delay in reply and then I discover that although Dad had set the alarm to wake them up, he'd been so busy changing the main time to the two hours ahead, he'd failed to noticed that he'd set the alarm for 6pm not 6am! 

They had wanted to be up early. Both had slept in! They probably needed it as I know they left early for the airport the day before. Mum said if my text hadn't woken them, they might still be asleep! We did laugh!

Next Tuesday will be another adventure from their holiday!